The Art of Scroogemanship - or how not to spend on Christmas.

December 14, 2017

The Art of Scroogemanship - or how not to spend on Christmas.

Christmas is a time to be generous, but not if you are a scrooge at heart.

Giving presents - for a well practised scrooge is an art form in getting away with cheap presents that look like - a) a lot of thought has gone into the gift, and b) no expense spared. Neither of which is true.

It is important that the present should look impressive - this is easily obtained by putting your small gift in a large box. Wine boxes are free from local supermarkets, and therefore perfect for a well organised scrooge. Wrapping paper will have been saved from last year, and ironed to give it that recent purchased look. The present itself, for any self-respecting scrooge, will have been bought in the January sales, not necessarily that year.

However, this form of present giving does not work with children. Unlike adults who are too polite to show their disappointment, children will often pout their disapproval in the form of verbal abuse at your Scroogemanship.

Best to give the child in question a gift voucher, telling the child that the amount will be worth twice as much in the January sales. This leaves the child's parents no choice but to show their approval of your gift, as it teaches their offspring, money management.

The accomplished scrooge, never feeds anyone at their own expense, and always makes sure to get invited to share Christmas with unsuspecting friends/relatives. Acceptance of invitations should follow a carefully coordinated rotation pattern involving a number of possible invitees, so as not to give the game away.

Acceptance should always be accompanied with an effervescent, "You must let me bring something." And a," I am sure the - food bank will understand, that I shan't be able to give as much as usual." Said in a mournful tone, to entice sympathy. This is of course a lie, as the local food bank has never heard of our scrooge.

Having got out of bringing anything to eat, the scrooge's expertise in not spending money on festive wine is then brought into play.

This is achieved by home brewing, and telling your unwitting host that this is your best vintage and that you were saving it for a special occasion.

Thanks to screw capped bottles, it is now possible for home brew to be substituted for decent wine, in bottles saved throughout the year for this purpose. This also allows our thrift bunny, to bring several bottles of their home brew swill to the party, whilst remembering which label hides the muck, so as not to have to actually drink any of it.

Again politeness on the part of the host, will not challenge this statement, even though it is by now obvious that they have invited a cheapskate to partake in the sumptuous feast they have so generously prepared.

An astute exponent of Scroogemanship, will recognise the signs of host enlightenment, and strike the overly observant person off their list of future scrounging possibilities.

The actual day of the event - Christmas Day - in the hands of an expert in Scroogemanship, will leave host and guests thinking the scrooge neither mean or selfish, but an impecunious soul who has given his/her all, of what little they have.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as the majority of misers are not in the slightest bit poor, and often both mean and selfish.

Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven stuff, has no effect on the hardened scrooge.

If however, like me you have been conned by such a person, and can now spot one a mile off - or so I like to think - you are relatively safe for the festive season. But, if you are an innocent when it comes to Scroogemanship - then don't worry. You are not alone.

Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves - or so my dear old mum used to say, as she took my sister and me, clutching our gift vouchers to choose our Christmas presents in the January sales.