The art of scroogemanship at Christmas

Christmas is a time to be generous, but not if you are a scrooge at heart.

Giving presents - for a well practised scrooge is an art form in getting away with cheap presents that look like - a) a lot of thought has gone into the gift, and b) no expense spared. Neither of which is true. 

It is important that the present should look impressive - this is easily obtained by putting your small gift in a large box. Wine boxes are free from local supermarkets and therefore perfect for a well organised scrooge. Wrapping paper will have been saved from last year and ironed to give it that recent purchased look. The present itself, for any self-respecting scrooge, will have been bought in the January sales, not necessarily that year. 

However, this form of present giving does not work with children. Unlike adults who are too polite to show their disappointment, children will often give you the evil eye and pout their disapproval in the form of verbal abuse at your Scroogemanship.

Best to give the child in question a gift voucher, telling the child that the amount will be worth twice as much in the January sales. This leaves the child's parents no choice but to show their approval of your gift, as it teaches their offspring, money management. This type of present is best sent through the post, the cost of postage is a small price to pay in avoiding the inevitable screams of, 'Is this it?', from the disgruntled child in question.

Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves - my mother used to say as she took my sister and I, clutching our gift vouchers to choose our Christmas presents in the January sales. 

The accomplished scrooge never feeds anyone at their own expense and always makes sure to get invited to a pre Christmas party by unsuspecting friends/relatives. Acceptance of invitations should follow a carefully coordinated rotation pattern involving a number of possible invitees, so as not to give the game away.

Acceptance should always be accompanied with an effervescent, "You must let me bring something." And a," I am sure the - food bank will understand that I shan't be able to give as much as usual," said in a mournful tone to entice sympathy. This is of course a lie, as the local food bank has never received any donations from our scrooge. 

Having got out of bringing anything to eat, the scrooge's expertise in not spending money on festive wine is then brought into play. 

This is achieved by home brewing, and telling your unwitting host that this is your best vintage and that you were saving it for a special occasion. 

Thanks to screw capped bottles, the home brew not intended for our scrooges consumption can be substituted for decent wine in bottles saved throughout the year for this purpose. This also allows our thrift bunny to bring several bottles of their home brew swill to the party, whilst remembering which label contains the muck, and which one doesn't so our scrooge will not to have to actually drink any of the offensive home brew crap. Handing over to the host the bottles of swill whilst effortlessly holding on to the bottle of actually drinkable wine, is an art form perfected by a skilful practitioner of Scroogemanship.

Again politeness on the part of the host will not challenge this, even though it is by now obvious that they have invited a cheapskate to partake in the sumptuous feast they have so generously prepared.

An astute exponent of Scroogemanship, will recognise the signs of host enlightenment and strike the overly observant person off their list of future scrounging possibilities. 

The actual day of the event - Christmas Day - in the hands of an expert in Scroogemanship, will leave host and guests thinking the scrooge neither mean or selfish, but an impecunious soul who has given his/her all, of what little they have. 
Nothing could be further from the truth, as the majority of misers are not in the slightest bit poor, and often both mean and selfish. 

When given a Christmas gift our mean spirit will give a look of genuine surprise accompanied by "Oh - I thought we weren't giving gifts this year. I'm so sorry I didn't buy you anything." Throughout the rest of the day our miser will drop gentle questions as to where and how much the gift cost, whilst making a mental note of price and shop location in order to return the gift  (unless of course the present is actually something they want) and collect a refund the day after Boxing day or the 27th December if you don't live in the UK.

Easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven stuff, has no effect on the hardened scrooge. Scroogemanship philosophy being, a bird in the hand is worth who knows what in the bush.

If however, like me you have been conned by such a person, and can now spot one a mile off - or so I like to think - you are likely to be safe for this festive season. If, however, you are an innocent when it comes to spotting a proponent of Scroogemanship - then don't worry. You are not alone. And will be much wiser next year. 

I wish you all the most wonderful Christmas, and a very prosperous New Year.